The Ocean Called Grief

Some people say grief is like the ocean -- it swells and recedes like waves. One minute you're seemingly fine and smiling and the next you're doubled over weeping deeply and unable to breathe.
I lost a friend tragically about 7 years ago. It was hard and I grew angry and distant. It was one of the more painful losses I had to deal with and I didn't know how to process. Now the last few years I've lost three to four friends to cancer.

In 2016 on April 11 I got a call telling me one of my friends had shot himself. It was alleged he was involved in a murder-suicide and that his ex girlfriend was also dead. I didn't know how to respond. I mean how do you respond to news like that? I couldn't breathe. I started hallucinating him thinking I saw him on street corners when it really was just someone else. The pain was crippling. I could barely face my job because he used to work there. He had left to focus on school.
Several months later I found out the police didn't think it was a murder-suicide. There was a third person there. I'll never know fully what happened that day and why Mark and that girl had to die.

In May my granddaddy who was living with my family and I went into hospice care. He had leukemia. I wasn't ready to face another loss so soon after my friend Mark. My granddad held on for several more weeks. While he could still talk, he told stories  (some we had heard for years growing up and others new). We clung to every word of his, not wanting it to least. We sang his favorite hymns to him. There were family with him always. He kept telling each on of us how much he loved us. Later he was unable to talk and he slept most of the time.  My mom had us read a book about the final days and the signs of death in preparation.  No matter how much we prepared the blow to my heart wasn't any less. I was at work on June 7 when my mom called me to tell me he was gone. It was the day before my 24th birthday.

During the aftermath of both these losses I was surrounded by so much love and support. People asked me "are you okay?"
It turns out that question brings no comfort even though I know it came from a good place. I just kept saying "I'm never going to be okay again. Not fully."
They finally switched to asking me how I was holding up or how I was doing that particular day. Having people regularly check on me was helpful even though I really just wanted to withdraw and pull away.

Even now I go through weeks where I'm seemingly fine. I'll be joyous and feeling almost like myself. There's always that ache though. An ache that'll never go away. Then one day I'm back there again....flashing back to getting those dreaded calls.

It's still impossible to fathom that they aren't here anymore. They're just....gone. Some days I want to give up but I know there are people counting on me and needing me. I keep going because of them.

My Testimony

I've started and restarted this blog multiple times over the years. I've gone through different mindsets, phases, fresh starts and so I begin this blog over every time.  It isn't very often that I have something compelling to say to the world but when I do I have this deep need to write it all down and share it. 

So here I am...I have something to say. This post is my testimony. My life. You can judge me or whatever. I'm laying it all down right here tonight. My only hope is that it helps someone find their voice. 

I can basically put the first 17 years of my life into bullet points.

• It all began in 1992.
• I was born the fifth child of seven. 
• We were all homeschooled and grew up in a loving Christian family. 
• I went to church (still going to the same one 24 years later).
• I became a Christian at three years old. 
• I was in a homeschool choir and band from the ages 11-16.

At 17 (nearing 18) things began to change and not for the better. This is around the age kids normally act out and make their mistakes, right? Well..I definitely made my fair share of mistakes and had must struggles. I developed feelings for a female childhood friend and for 9 months we dated in secret. I was never totally comfortable and the lies were hard to keep up with. During that confusing time of my life I lost a close friend of mine when he suddenly passed away. That's when I really went off the deep end. I grew angry with God and turned away from him. My lies and secrets became more intense. I depended on my girlfriend and after awhile I sort of morphed into a version of her. I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't even know WHO I was. My anger towards God grew and became pure rage. I detached myself from my church family, from my own family, and from my childhood friends (all who unconditionally loved me).

I hit 18 and my plans were to run away with my girlfriend once she became of age as well (we're about 2-3 years apart). My parents discovered us and they did all they could to keep us apart even though I was stubborn and rebelled against their decisions. Finally, it all reached a breaking point. I nearly cut my family off, I came so close to moving out, and then my girlfriend told me she had found someone else. That positively broke me. I was convinced I was in love with her and we were meant to be. I just knew it! My mom came across me in my room just after I had been dumped. I knew she was relieved it was all over but I suppose she just couldn't take my tears. She held me close and let me cry. My road to recovery was long. I endured cyber bullying by my ex and whoever she was dating. Whoever was using her chat account told me various things such as:
"Why don't you go kill yourself? No one wants you here."
"You're so ugly."
"No one loves you."
"Come near her again and I'll f**k you up."

 I had read so many testimonies of victims of bullying and I knew how deep words can cut. They sure cut me deep. I found the courage to tell my bully "No thanks. I'd rather torment you some more with my existence." I then proceeded to block them, print the messages, and showed them to my mom. I have to admit I was upset she didn't take action right then and there. She told me, "If anyone tries to come here and hurt you, they're going to have to try and get past Mama Bear."
I think it was in that moment I realized everything. Even though I had lost myself and hurt my parents so much with my actions, she still loved me. 

Fast forward 6 years...
I've endured more heartache. I've had guys pursue me and then either tell me that "I'm too different" or they've done all they could to pressure me to have sex shortly after we started "dating." I always said no. I've had someone pursue me for 10 months and finally just one day tell me, "Oh the spark is gone." I always felt like I wasn't enough. That my heart wasn't enough for them and they needed everything I was. I wasn't going to give my all again to someone until it was the one God had for me to marry.
I struggle with depression and anxiety. It's always there and it will never go away.

But oh the victories!
One day I woke up and knew I needed to find myself again. I needed to find God again but little did I know He had been right there beside me through all my struggles all along. He had used my parents to bring me Home. He had used my loyal friends who had never given up on me to lead me back. That time of my life was a phase...an experiment...a life lesson. Over the years my constant anger has decreased and weakened. My depression and anxiety reared up but in all honestly they didn't eat away at me like my pent up anger did. 
Since then I've reconnected with my church family. I reconnected with my faith and Jesus. Four years ago I reaffirmed my faith in Jesus and renewed my vows to him.
 This year I was faced with more trials than ever before. In April one of my dear friends tragically passed. In June (the day before my birthday) my granddaddy passed after battling cancer. The grief I felt was crippling but it was different than when I lost my friend, Josh, years before. I didn't turn from God this time. I'm more grounded in my faith and so I turned and clung to Him. I felt the love of my family, my Lifegroup friends from church. 

It all still hurts but I can rejoice knowing I got to know and love them during their time on this earth. I will ALWAYS love my loved ones who are no longer physically with me. 

This testimony is coming to a close for now. I will have more struggles in the years to come but I will also have FAITH--FAMILY--FRIENDS--JOY--LOVE--CONFIDENCE--SELF ACCEPTANCE.

My advice to you, my friends is this: Do not be afraid to share your voice. It's taken me years to have the courage to lay it all down and give it all to God. I've never written my story down before and shared it with the world. I've never loved myself as much as I do today. 
Be Bold. Love Big. Laugh Always. Be the best version of yourself. You are loved, your are enough, and YOU ARE WORTHY!

Sidenote: You may or may have not been wondering why my blog is titled "The Stranger Amongst Her Friends." Well, growing up I never really fit it anywhere. I had friends, of course, but no matter how hard I tried I never felt like I truly belonged. I kept the title to remind myself to never revert back to that girl. I've found where I belong. I fit it now. I've accepted my quirks that made me different. I can laugh at myself and be comfortable knowing God made me to be exactly who I am. 

I love you and God Bless!